Too Damaged to Love
by DancingPhalangess
Summary: A one shot following what Jack said to Ronnie in Tuesday's episode. How would they both be feeling after their argument and how would Ronnie take Jack's comment?


**I got this inspiration from Tuesday's EastEnders. **

The rain lashed viciously at the windows. Each splatter as the raindrops hit the glass echoed the stabs of pain twisting through Ronnie's heart. Outside, the world carried on as normal, with just the odd hushed whisper out the awful recent events. Although these were carefully hidden, only discussed in privacy, where no one involved could overhear. Amongst all the mourning and grief, the recently solved mystery of her father's killer, no one noticed the pain that gripped Ronnie's heart. The agony of a few simple words.

"You're too damaged."

Jack's voice rang through Ronnie's head over and over again, repeating the same awful words that he had so angrily thrown at her and each time it caused a fresh wave of hurt that started in the pit of her stomach and moved like a lightening bolt up to her chest. Leaving ripples of pain in its path before it settled in the very core of her heart, weighing it down so it felt too heavy for her own body.

Ronnie knew that her attempts to comfort Jack had come out all wrong. Instead of making him feel better that something good may be able to come out of the whole tragedy, it had just made her sound selfish and cold hearted and angered Jack to a point where he screamed the words at her that she dreaded hearing most. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Ronnie knew they sounded wrong; as if she was pleased about Bradley's death. But she hadn't meant them like that; she had only been trying to tell him that she needed him too.

Although Ronnie knew that Jack was right, that didn't make it hurt any less. She _was_ too damaged. There was something rotten lurking deep inside her; rising closer to the surface with every passing day. The blackness swirled between Ronnie's heart and soul, infecting her entire body and mind with depression. It weighed her down constantly, always there and taunting, so that even when she was laughing there was still a constant ache of sadness throbbing in her heart. Ronnie couldn't expect Jack to put up with that; she was broken and dead inside. Too damaged to be a part of this world. Too damaged to love.

Even Jack thought so and he had been the one person who was supposed to see all of her and love her regardless. Ronnie had thought he loved her for who she really was rather than the person she pretended to be. Jack had seen the side of her that no one else had. The one that stayed under the surface, hidden by a smile. He knew about the blackness, even if he didn't see quite how far it had progressed. Ronnie had never openly told him about anything, he just saw it. He knew it was there because he knew her. Jack was the one person whom Ronnie couldn't hide from.

Now she knew what he really thought of it all. He couldn't love her and if Jack couldn't, then no one could. He didn't even know about _that_. If he did, he would be disgusted beyond belief. He would be horrified that he had ever loved, ever _touched_ anyone so violated and dirty. Already he believed that Ronnie was past being loved. What would he think if he knew the reason behind her closed off nature?

_But what if he did know? _Said a voice in Ronnie's head. What would she do if Roxy had told him, or he had simply seen it in her, just like he had with the darkness she tried so desperately to hide from the rest of the world? Maybe that's what he meant by her being too damaged. She was rotten and filthy to the core, unworthy of anyone's love; repulsive even to him. Perhaps Roxy had told him, and Jack hadn't believed it, just like her sister hadn't. He thought she was lying, sick in the head. Maybe she was.

**

Jack stood in the downpour, allowing the rain to wash over him, as if it was going to erase his own guilt. His guilt for encouraging Bradley to run, his guilt for what he had said to Ronnie. He hadn't regretted his words instantly, for a moment, he had been so angry at Ronnie that he had felt a pang of enjoyment when he saw the hurt that filled every inch of her features.

For a moment, he had been glad to do it. He wanted her to hurt like he was so she would understand. It was only when Jack had ran from her and was out of The Vic door that he realised she did understand. Maybe she knew it even more than he did. Ronnie had lost her daughter, three times over. First, when she had been taken from Ronnie's arms as a newborn baby, again when Archie had revealed to her that her baby was dead, and for the third and final time when Danielle had died in Ronnie's arms. It was only the second time Ronnie had ever held her daughter in her life. Once when she just entered this world, and then again as she left it.

If anyone knew what Jack was feeling, Ronnie did. She had been through the same thing, only a thousand times worse. For her, it had been her daughter and Ronnie had never gotten the chance to know her, having had that opportunity snatched away from her by her own father. At least Jack had been allowed to know Bradley and build a relationship with him. He had memories and good times to remember, Ronnie didn't even have that.

Jack groaned to himself. He was going to have to go back and tell her he was sorry. If she would listen. Jack wouldn't blame her if she wouldn't; that may have been one time too many. He had hurt her so much. Jack wouldn't blame her at all if she didn't want to know. What she had said had just made him so angry, it was as if she was pleased that Bradley had died. Now he saw that of course she hadn't meant that at all. She had simply been trying to make him feel better. All she meant was tragedy may be the thing to bring them together.

The rain lashed down harder as Jack hurried across the street and made his way over to The Vic. His foot slipped on the wet concrete, Jack slipped and had to grab hold of the pub door to stop himself falling. He pushed down the handle to open the door, but it didn't budge. Jack sighed angrily and looked at his watch and saw it was past closing hours; he kicked the door in frustration and began to knock loudly. Eventually, he heard the lock slide and Roxy pulled open the door. "We're closed," automatically came out of her mouth as she did so.

Roxy blinked when she saw it was Jack, then let out and exasperated sigh. "What have you done now?" She snapped, guessing that the only reason he would be knocking on The Vic door at past closing hours in the pouring rain was if he had hurt her sister. Again.

"Please, Roxy, this isn't the time for a lecture. Is she in?" Jack pleaded. Roxy rolled her eyes.

"Yes, she's upstairs. But Jack, are you sure she wants to be seen?" Jack shook his head.

"I don't know, but I'm going to at least check." Roxy opened the door wider and stepped aside to let Jack into the pub.

"Thanks, Roxy," Jack muttered as he hurried past her to find Ronnie.

Jack slowed down when he reached the stairs. There was every chance that Ronnie wouldn't want to see him. He approached the door to her room carefully, as if he expected it to blow up at any moment.

Once at the door, Jack reached out to open it, but then thought better of it and knocked hesitantly. At first, there was no answer and Jack wondered if she was asleep, or maybe she wasn't even there. But before Jack could knock again, the door swung open and Ronnie stood staring at him; her face showed no emotion.

"What do you want?" She said, coolly. Jack opened his mouth and then closed it again, staying in silence, lost for what to say. Ronnie looked slightly irritated.

"Jack, it's past midnight, whatever you want to say, please say it so I can go to bed."

"I'm sorry," he managed eventually. Ronnie looked surprised, as if that was not what she had been expecting. She quickly recovered though and masked her features back into an emotionless expression.

"Great," Ronnie said, shortly. "Can I go to bed now?"

Jack wanted to say something else, something to stop her closing the door because he knew the longer things were left to stew the less chance he would have of getting her back.

"Ron, really. I didn't mean it. I l-" Jack stopped and looked away from her, worried of what he might say if he continued to watch her.

"Neither did I," said Ronnie. "I didn't mean how that came out, I just meant-"

"I know what you meant," Jack interrupted. "And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have flipped at you. I wanted someone to blame and you were just there."

"Right. I was just there. Like always," snapped Ronnie.

"I know you are, I'm-" Jack began, misinterpreting her words. The the true meaning of them dawned on him and his expression changed to shock that she could think such a thing. Did she really believe that or was she just upset?

"Ron, no. How can you even think that? I've always loved you," said Jack, his voice pleading with her to believe him.

Ronnie didn't answer. Instead, she turned away from Jack. "I thought I was too damaged to love," she whispered eventually, her voice lined with hurt. Jack knew he had put that there and felt another wave of guilt; he stepped into the room and approached Ronnie slowly from behind.

"Please believe me," Jack said, quietly. "I didn't mean that." Ronnie didn't say anything for a while and Jack wondered if he should just leave her to get together her own thoughts. He had hurt her so much, if he was to do one thing right by her, maybe that would be just leaving her alone. But before he had the chance to leave, he heard a slight sob come from Ronnie and her shoulders began to shake.

"Ron?" Jack whispered, stretching out a hand and resting it on her shoulder. He didn't know what to do. Ronnie never cried. At least not in front of people. It didn't suit her 'Ice Queen' act. Crying was a sign of weakness, she had always said, it let people see how much they had hurt you.

"It's true though, Jack," Ronnie sobbed through her tears, although she stayed with her back to him.

"No. Believe me please, it isn't-"

"Yes it is!" Ronnie cried suddenly, spinning around sharply to face Jack and throwing his hand from her shoulder as she moved. Tears continued to flow down her cheeks and she wiped them away furiously as if she had only just noticed she was crying.

"How could I be anything else?" She shouted, only what she was suddenly so angry about, Jack didn't know.

"Ron-" Jack tried to speak, but was cut off.

"I'm violated Jack! Unclean!" Jack froze, his mouth open as if he had been about to say something.

"What do you mean Ron?" He asked, almost afraid of the answer.

Ronnie ran her hand through her hair, fresh tears leaking from her eyes and down her cheeks. She couldn't tell him, she just couldn't. The first person she had ever told, her own sister didn't believe it. Jack already thought she was damaged, what would he think if he knew that too? He wouldn't believe her. He would think she was lying, making it up for revenge just like Roxy thought she was doing. But she didn't want to keep it a secret anymore either. She wanted Jack to know the reason behind her being so closed off from people, why she found relationships so difficult, why she hated her dad enough to want him dead.

"I was raped," Ronnie exploded. "By my own father. There. Now you know. Now run, go. You won't want to come near me now you know just how damaged I really am." Jack stared at Ronnie in total shock. He had been expecting many things, but not that. Not by her own dad. But it had happened and it didn't cross Jack's mind for one moment to doubt Ronnie. She was telling the truth and he knew it. It explained so much.

"I'm not going anywhere Ron," Jack promised. He covered the few steps in-between them and ignoring her as she fought against him, he pulled her into a tight, protective hug. He wrapped one arm around her waist and the other lay diagonally across her back, his hand on the back of her head, fingers entwined in her hair.

"It wasn't your fault and I'm not leaving you. I love you and I need you and whatever you say I know you need me too." Ronnie stopped struggling and sunk into Jack's embrace, allowing her tears to flow freely as she cried into her shoulder.

"I'm broken Jack," she sobbed, her voice muffled by Jack's shirt.

"No Ron," he whispered, stroking the back of her hair as he held her and silently vowed to never let her go again. "You're mine."

**Some positivity! I have a reputation on here for being morbid and depressing. People will be shocked. I have become rather obsessed with the Archie/Ronnie storyline. I was just so shocked when that happened! I thought I made it up. I didn't think the real EE would actually do it. **


End file.
